Letting Go: A moment and an answer

Last week I wrote a post about letting go. I was reacting to the phrase "let go of it" and used an example of a hurt and trying be in right relationship in that post. I'd been struggling with some hurt and rejection - normal, but hard. I was trying to work through my feelings, and how to proceed in the relationship despite the pain. I talked with some different friends on the topic and was very honest about what was hard and not knowing how to move on. One of the friends said it sounded like the next step for me was to chose to forgive the person. Oh, right. Forgiveness. I'd rather forgotten about that. 

After that talk I'd written the above blog post and was on the journey towards forgiveness - but the thing with forgiveness is I don't always know if I've done it. Like I "forgive" and then I don't feel any differently. It's not like forgiving a debt, where you actually erase the debt and can no longer call on that debt. I don't know how to erase the hurt or the feelings, but I know that my heart is towards forgiveness and in that moment I've made a choice in faith to forgive. 

I was heading into the weekend with all of this in mind. It felt like most of the week was full of swirling thoughts and it was a bit overwhelming. I was feeling very uncertain. 

On the Friday night I went to Chapel. Chapel is our youth worship night - complete with awesome worship, a great speaker (seriously Carmen, amazing), and 700+ youth. Being some what older than youth aged, I sat at the back with my friend Arlene. At the start of Chapel I saw the friend that had suggested I forgive the person who I felt hurt by, this friend said she had read my blog post and was so encouraged to hear where I was at. That was nice to hear, and reminded me that a worship night was a good place to come when you are working through an issue. 

As I sat with Arlene at the back of the room Carmen preached an amazing sermon - like really really amazing. I learned stuff, I laughed, I was moved - it was good. And then at the end she asked if anyone needed to "mark" anything - to make a moment for a declaration. And I felt like God prompted my heart: that if I could mark my choice to forgive, then I had to admit in the future that it was done. I didn't go forward but I made a mark there and cried out to God and chose forgiveness and faith. It was a moment. 

Arlene is amazing - she reads my blog regularly so she had already been a bit in the loop, and then I shared with her what God was saying and so after I prayed, she prayed for me as well - and helped commit this moment to God and to thank him for His forgiveness in my life and to thank Him that He empowers us to forgive, and so it is done. She prayed for numerous things in my life and I felt very loved and cared for...and as we finished praying the next worship song came on...

In my first blog post I'd written about how difficult it is to know if you've let go, or if you've forgiven, as it's an intangible thing. When we hold a balloon and we want to let go, we simply let go. A string, unlike feelings, is a tangible object that you can let go of. It is much harder with feelings. So in this place where I'd made a choice to let go, and to say my hands are free, I'm not holding on to this hurt the next worship song comes on "Nothing I hold on to". I have to laugh, so does Arlene. Really? "It's like God reads my blog, Arlene!"

"I lean not on my own understanding

My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven

I give it all to You God

trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

There's nothing I hold on to

There's nothing I hold on to

There's nothing I hold on to

There's nothing I hold on to

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open"

As that song ended I felt like it was time to stop thinking about my hurt or my feelings or my reactions, and it was time to continue with my hands held high in worship, in faith, in submission to God...and the next song came on..."The stand" and again I was amazed, at how God speaks through music to my moment. 

You stood before creation

Eternity in your hand

You spoke the earth into motion

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

And carried the cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon your shoulders

My soul now to stand

So what could I say?

And what could I do?

But offer this heart, Oh God

Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation

Your spirit alive in me

This life to declare your promise

My soul now to stand

So what could I say?

And what could I do?

But offer this heart, Oh God

Completely to you

I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the one who gave it all

I'll stand

My soul Lord to you surrendered

All I am is yours

As the time ended and I headed home, my heart was lighter. I knew I was forgiven, I knew I'd forgiven, and I knew that He had empowered me to let go - I was certain.